Felons Love Gun Control

An Open Letter from a violent criminal predator.

The following is dark satire. A fictional letter that will make you think about Gun Ownership and the Second Amendment all over again.

Hello everybody

I am what the headshrinkers call an opportunistic type rapist, and predator-type violent offender. I mainly do muggings and home invasions, but if I get a chance to do a rape, I go for it. I used to just shoplift or do burglaries when I needed money for crack or meth, but that got boring. I am not so much addicted to crack as I am to excitement, risk and danger. Besides, the legal system didn’t stop me, so why not continue? I have been doing this since I was a kid. They gave me probation, sent me to a counselor I lied to, gave me a fine I took my sweet time paying, and took my even sweeter time on the work crew they made me do for 30 hours. What a joke. So I figured why not graduate to mugging? It is more of a rush to rob somebody up close and personal. Then I started kicking in doors of houses where I know single women lived alone. I spent a few days watching them through their open shades, learning their routine. I would bust in, yell and scream like a maniac, duct tape their wrists and ankles, slap them up a little, then threaten to rape and kill them if they didn’t tell me where their money was. When this one ran her mouth to me, I taught her a lesson and made good on my threat to rape her. I found I liked it, and I think she did too. It was her fault anyway for mouthing off to me.

I have been convicted of two armed robberies, three aggravated assaults, and two Aggravated domestic Assaults. This is just what I have been convicted of. I have been charged with a total of 10 other felonies, which were reduced to misdemeanors, or dropped, after I made some suggestions to witnesses as to what really happened, or what they really saw.  I have actually done a lot more than this; this is just what I got caught for. So here are my thoughts for you tax-paying, law-abiding chumps to make my job easier:

  • I urge you to support gun control so I can confront unarmed citizens, and rob rape and kill as I wish, without concern of retribution.

armed robbery

I hope all guns get banned eventually. The only ones who will obey the law against guns are people who obey the law. Not people like me. It will be open season- I can do whatever I want without fear of getting shot. Nobody will stop me. I don’t want people having guns.  How am I supposed to rob rape and kill if my victims are armed?

2) Gun control has created an illicit, black market for guns.

Like I am gonna buy a gun at a gun store? The crack and meth I stuff in my little glass friend are banned too – how is that working out? Guys like me buy “protection” on the street. Guns are also hot items for burglars, as they have a good street value, or I can trade them for drugs.

  • Gun free zones are the best places for people like me.

While I was watching my brand new plasma screen TV (don’t ask where I got it!) I saw there was another workplace shooting and people crying about how if there was more gun control, that wouldn’t happen. I have been checking out buildings I want to rob, and having a good laugh at those “Gun Free Zone” signs. Gee, I may have to cancel my plans because of those signs. The hand-wringing liberals put those signs up to keep out “armed citizens” as they are called. Don’t the people who put those signs up understand the only ones who will obey are those “law abiding, hard-working, taxpaying armed citizens”? Do they actually think people like me care? The cops won’t get there on time, and with all the news about cops using too much force, they will hesitate to shoot anyway. The only one who might stop me would be civvie carrying a gun, but thanks to gun free zones, I don’t have to worry about that. Gotta love the politicians in this country.   

  • I can get sympathy from the media, lawyers and juries if I get shot in the commission of a crime by an armed civilian.

If I get shot down by some do-gooder who couldn’t mind their own business, the liberals will hold candle light vigils for meME, the poor mentally ill misunderstood addict, who was a victim of the criminal justice system. This drug dealer and lifelong felon pointed a muzzleloader at an DEA SWAT team when they kicked his door in, and big surprise- they shot him dead. What did his neighbors do? They held a candlelight vigil for him (Murry, 2015). I love it.  Doubt there would have been a vigil for one of the feds or cops if they got shot. This other one I heard about got shot dead during a robbery and his family is suing (The Armed Citizen, 2013; US World Report, 2016)

  • Don’t support drug treatment.

At least two-thirds of every violent crime involves using drugs before, during or after the crime. Drugs don’t make me a criminal.  I am already a criminal. When I am high, it’s just easier for me to go full on stupid and do things I would think twice about when I was sober. I also need money for my crack and meth. I don’t know; maybe I would behave better if I wasn’t always wrecked.

My bad childhood, poverty, poor parenting, second-rate public schools, racism, a corrupt criminal justice system- keep going (Porter, 2016).  I actually had a great childhood, with wealthy parents who gave me everything I asked for, and never said no, or held me responsible for anything. Maybe that’s how I turned out this way.

Violent Attacks

  • A note for police and prosecutors: keep reaching for the low hanging fruit – e.g., an armed citizen – if you can’t catch me, but still want to look effective.

I heard some vet got arrested and is looking at almost as many felonies as I have for having some 30 round mags. He was even a war hero (Miller, 2013) I think it’s hilarious that the cops go after a guy like that and I get away with so much more. A felony conviction can ruin a civvies life- think I care about getting one more?

  • Do not ever practice or get any training, or clean your gun.

I am counting on you freezing up and not knowing what you are doing, or having a malfunction when I am trying to beat, rob, or rape you. Don’t ruin my plans by being prepared.

  • Let yourself go; don’t work out.

I don’t want you strong enough to fight back or escape from me. Be sure to sit around and eat a lot.

  • Keep to a routine; it makes it easier for me to get you.

Get up and leave the house at the same time, every day, come home at the same time, go to the same market, the same convenience store, walk, run and bike the same route, and be predictable. Leave your shades up so I can watch you, and see what you have, and don’t bother locking your door when you go out. After, all you are only going to be gone for a minute, what could happen? Oh, one other thing- be sure to walk around texting and not paying attention to your surroundings, and wear those ear buds so you can’t hear me coming.

I hope to meet you soon.

-Your violent criminal predator


The Armed Citizen (2013) Citizen kills 2 armed robbers. Family wants to sue citizen. YouTube. Retrieved February 27, 2016 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-JmmkxolkA

Miller E (2013) MILLER: N.Y. vet arrested for 30-round magazines (Part 1) The Washington Times, Retrieved February 27, 2016 from http://www.washingtontimes.com/blog/guns/2013/feb/1/miller-ny-vet-arrested-30-round-magazines-part-1/

Murry, E. (2015) Mayor demands federal inquiry into fatal police shooting. Burlington Free Press. Retrieved February 27, 2016 from http://www.burlingtonfreepress.com/story/news/local/2015/12/23/fatal-police-shooting-investigation/77825032/

Porter, D.A. (2016). Why do the liberal media and the public feel so much sympathy for criminals? GunControMyAss. Retrieved February 27, 2016 from http://guncontrolmyass.com/why-do-the-liberal-media-and-the-public-feel-so-much-sympathy-for-criminals-2416

US World Report. (2016) Armed Robber’s Family Is Irate after He Is Shot during Robbery – Family Says Good Samaritan Should Have “Minded His Own Business” US World Report http://www.usworldreport.com/armed-robbers-family-is-irate-after-he-is-shot-during-robbery-says-good-samartan-should-have-minded-his-own-business-h/


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